Going back

Will I return to India once I finish my higher studies in US? This has been a topic of much discussion ever since I came to the US in 2007. Initially my friends and relatives were more concerned about this than me and kept on probing me. My stand was very clear - I will definitely go back to India after I am done! They laughed and professed that I will stay here forever once I am here for 5 years. They said it would be hard to adjust to the chaos and inefficient system in India if I return after 5-6 years. I brushed off their concerns saying that if I can adjust to a foreign place, culture and system without any problem, then I can definitely "adjust" and be comfortable in the country where I have grown up and spent 25 years! I failed to understand why this was such a hard concept to grasp! After my Masters degree, I saw some of my friends return to India. I was very happy to see them go back. It gave a boost to my conviction to return back to India. I started my PhD program in 2009, strongly determined to return back as soon as I graduated. I saw some more friends leave lucrative jobs in US and take up jobs in India. My resolution to return became even stronger. My parents, relatives and friends were in India. I was visiting them every year and every time I craved to stay more. That is enough reason to go back! Right? The answer to this question was "Definitely right!" till 2012 but now it has turned into a "Maybe"! Smiling faces of people who had told me that I will change my mind after 5 years were grinning now and saying "we had told you!." Were they actually right? Is it really the case that I cannot adjust with the Indian system anymore or is it the case that I do not want to adjust? Is it actually about staying in US or is it about not returning to India? What about the love for my parents, relatives and families? Was I lying all this time that I will go back to India? Why don't I want to go back? 

It is true that a place changes a lot in 5 years. I have seen Delhi (the place where I grew up) change every time I go back for a visit. This time when I visited India in the winters of 2012, I was still determined to come back to India for good after my PhD. So I was scouting for possible jobs related to my research area. I met many interesting people and became aware of interesting opportunities. However, academic opportunities aside, I was shocked by the cultural and moral degradation of the society. I am not a moral police (popular for thrashing couples enjoying quiet moments in the park... nope that's not me) or nor do I claim myself to be an epitome of morality. But I do respect human beings and give them the politeness they deserve. I wasn't expecting Delhi to be a chart-topper in this aspect but I wasn't expecting it to fall off the chart completely!

The day after I landed in Delhi, I had my visa interview at the US embassy for renewing my visa. I was helping my taxi park at a designated spot that had been identified by a security guard. As my taxi was positioning itself to occupy the spot, a white luxury sedan zipped in and parked in my spot, almost running over my feet. I knocked on the window to get the driver's attention. The driver, a "gentleman" in his early 30's dressed in formal attire (he looked like a CEO of some company), stepped out and started abusing me - "teri gadi hai yeh bh* ch*? haath kaise lagaya toone?" ("Is this your car? How dare you touch it?"). I was taken aback but I tried to reason with him and looked around trying to find the security guard. He was standing at a distance, trying not to get involved in the whole mess. The driver retorted even angrily now - "tu guard hai? teri himmat kaise hui meri gadi mei haath lagaane ki?" ("Are you the person in charge of parking? How dare you touch my car?"). At this point, I saw this conversation going in two directions - I could just shut up, walk away and do my business calmly OR keep on arguing with this dumbhead and risk getting shot (pretty much every person in Delhi is some politician's someone and has a gun that is used to end arguments.... no this is not my figment of imagination but the actual state of things). I chose visa-stamping instead of getting shot. So I shut-up and went away. My friend later said that this was usual and I found it alarming because I had lived in US for too long. He suggested that I would get used to it if I lived in Delhi again. Fortunately, my wife and her sister were not there. Who knows what humiliation they might have had to suffer if they were at the scene (it's a different story that while I was having this argument, the coffee shop they were sitting in nearby forced them to buy a mineral water bottle worth Rs. 80/- because the staff had not clarified that it was not complimentary and not the usual Rs. 15/- either).

This brings me to my next experience. After wrapping up my business in Delhi, I went to visit my parents in Kolkata. While I was there, the Nirbhaya rape case happened in Delhi. Rapes had become a daily thing, especially in the north. There was no age based discrimination. 3 year olds were being raped every week in addition to the usual teenagers and young adults. The police and government blamed the females for provoking men to rape them (a 3 year girl provoking, really!?). Skimpy attire was blamed. Rapists roamed around freely, proud that they had taught the females a "lesson" for not adhering to the social norms of dressing "properly". There was a section of the society which blamed Nirbhaya and her male friend for daring to watch a movie together at night and then taking a bus back home. Their arguments gave a thumbs-up to the rapists. This is not a singular case, neither is the reaction. I used to work in a multinational software company in Gurgaon till 2007 and it discouraged females from staying late in office as it would get unsafe for them on their way back home. This atmosphere of panic and fear was further fanned by the stance taken by the various government officials and police. Whenever a female was raped, she was ridiculed and asked embarrassing questions by these authorities that tried to find fault in what the girl was wearing or doing. It's a different story that none of the accused were ever punished. After the Nirbhaya case, there were mass protests all across the nation. The government passed a law that increased the punishment of rapists. Everyone rejoiced but the rapists raped some more females and went about their daily business. Nothing changed. To come back to my point, in Delhi (and other northern bordering areas) any girl could be raped any moment, irrespective of their attire. Is this a healthy atmosphere to live in? You never know if your wife, sister, daughter, mother will return home safely or not. I still remember my horrified reaction when I heard about this incident. I was startled by the hypocrisy of the so called "cultured" society that prayed in front of female deities but still objectified and disrespected women. While the "system" was busy saving the rapists, it was also making sure parents of young girls were not spared. Take the Talwars' case in Noida. 5 years ago their daughter and domestic help were found murdered inside the house. The case has been dragging on till now and the parents have been jailed. When I read the detailed account of this incident and the injustice that had happened, only one thought ran through my mind - this could have been any parent! I started reconsidering my decision to return back. I certainly did not want to expose my wife and family to those uncivilized animals in the streets and the paranoia of disrespect. Was I overreacting because I had stayed in US for 5 years?

Now, there are still lots of good people around and I had many wonderful experiences - both of remote rural and urban India. But I am left wondering what to do about the vulnerability of human life and eternal fear in the minds of women on a daily basis. My friends who had returned back to India are still there. Another close friend recently returned after staying in the US for 10+ years. They are all doing fine (at least they claim that till now!). One of my friend said that as long as your daily schedule revolves around office and home, you should be fine. The events around you will not bother you that much. But again, is this a healthy environment to live in? It's not about the fascination of staying in US that is making me stop and rethink. There are things that are wrong in US as well but I can at least live my daily life without the perpetual fear. I have not closed the doors yet and hopefully the time to return to India will come soon. After all, where else in the world can you enjoy dhaba ka khana (roadside restaurants) while traveling on a highway or have a samosa-jalebi pitstop while walking on the road?