- Ask yourself if you are treating yourself as a victim i.e. your negative state of mind is a result of some external force. While it is okay to be negative but if you consider yourself as a victim then you are giving the power of healing/hurting to the other person. Then you lose control over your emotions and depend on the other person to fix things for you. In reality, you are powerful enough to make yourself positive by giving positive feedback to yourself and changing how you react to the other person (e.g., replacing anger with love and understanding). This also means that you have to actively take ownership of your life and actions because then everything that happens to you is under YOUR control, not the external force.
- Ask yourself if you are spending most of your time brooding and judging other people's actions. If you are then that's not a productive use of your precious time. It also means that you have extra brain power that is looking for some work to do. Channelize it to do useful things that advance your career and mind. Focus on YOURSELF, your actions, your thoughts, your emotions and leave everything else to the higher powers. If you are judging others then you are assuming that you are superior to them or have a higher moral ground which is not very healthy in relationships. Everyone has their reasons for their actions which may or may not be obvious. Accept things as they are and if you are facing a hard situation then probably there are things that you need to learn from that and move on. Brooding just makes us negative and pessimistic. Don't do it.
- Ask yourself what is your identity. If you are only seeing yourself as a mother, a father, a wife or a husband then these are again dependent on other people. It is not about YOU anymore but someone else giving you this identity and thus at other people's mercy to preserve this identity for you. Instead, think what you can call your own. You can define your identity as a doctor, a spiritual healer, an educator, a researcher, a photographer or something else where the power to make or break that identity rests with you, not any external person. Having an identity that is under your control is important because it gives you a sense of worth and purpose that no one else can take away from you, whatever happens. It also means that you are a unique individual that can exist independent of what other people say or do.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Saturday, February 15, 2014
I have been noticing a disturbing habit that I have developed ever since Facebook became a thing. I wake up and the first thing I do is tap the 'f' icon in my phone or start typing 'f' in the browser. It's very comforting, perhaps very refreshing even to scroll through all the things I missed while I was sleeping. There are wonderful heart warming videos, extreme videos, interesting shares, personal anecdotes, war of words about politics, tons and tons of pictures, HONY and also the entire world's comments to everything you can imagine. It feels a very newspaper-like thing to do first thing in the morning - catch up with the world. It's even better! It's dynamic, has a new update every second and that too from your very own "friends"! Very fascinating but very time consuming as well. Before I realize, I've already devoted 2 hours of my precious morning to this comforting blue and white interface (the color was actually designed to soothe). And then, it is also very addictive to quickly browse through the FB newsfeed between tasks or when you don't feel like working.
So here I am trying to think about the next paragraph that I should write to complete my dissertation proposal argument but I get this sudden urge to "utilize" this gap to check on the FB updates. Poof! I lost my train of thought and I'm not sure when or whether I'll catch the next one. Oh well! Now that I have lost my thought, might as well "utilize" the time by scrolling through some of my friends' profiles and see what they have been up to. After 5 min of scrolling, I feel very content. Somehow knowing what time they woke up, brushed their teeth, went to gym, had breakfast, what they had for breakfast, how they look (selfies) when they left for work, what they thought about the guy next to them in the train/bus, where they went for lunch, with whom, what they think about the game last night, their lack of desire to work (and spend time on FB instead... exactly), what their kids/spouse is saying and even that they have an upset stomach or are doing some sort of countdown to some mysterious event in their life (that they don't want to share but still want people to know that something important/terrible is going to happen), is very reassuring. I feel connected to the "world." Never mind that I just ignored what my friend sitting next to me said. I would have "liked" what he said if he said that on FB. Why waste my precious FB time that I want to spend virtually shadowing all the people in my friend list?
Perhaps the biggest reason for my addiction to this endless stream of updates is my desire to know something new. My wife reminded me of this just now and I think it's pretty accurate. As human beings (this is the only philosophical line, promise!) we all have an innate tendency to be attracted towards learning new things. Had that not been the case, we would be still living on trees (perhaps there is a TailBook for our monkey friends?). The point is that FB newsfeed very nicely caters to that innate need. There's a new update every second so how can we look somewhere else! The other reason is that I feel very connected with my friends. To a large extent, FB really has helped me get in touch with friends from my childhood days. It feels good to catch up with them once in a while and stay connected. But beyond that, I don't think I want to "live" with them. The FB newsfeed essentially makes me feel that I am living with all my friends in one giant house! That's the level of connection that I can do without. It's not even meaningful after sometime. There's also the gratification that you get by seeing how many people approve of what you are saying a.k.a Likes. That symbol is perhaps Facebook's biggest contribution in this century. But do I really care about that kind of approval? It's like paying importance to what your neighbor thinks about your new socks.
So why this long rant about my FB habit? First, it needs to stop, hence the face-off. Second, I think I have found an alternative for myself. Yes! From now on I'll feed my curiosity to learn new things by actually reading about innovative things and cool projects. Feedly (or any other RSS feed reader) effectively pulls together all the cool things happening around me. So I'm replacing my FB newsfeed with more relevant feeds (you know, still trying to keep that newspaper-like feeling). I also want to start reading books again (it's been so long!). Actually ReadBook, not FaceBook.
This public rant also means that I want you, my friend, to help me break my habit. Maybe, next time if you see frequent updates from me, send me a reminder? :) Yup. I'll use Facebook to help me get rid of Facebook. How cool is that?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Normally I would have started my letter with "dear" but you are definitely not dear to me or deserve any bit of politeness. You are not even fit to be classified as an animal, forget about belonging to my species. Even animals don't pin one of their own and force themselves in. So what are you?
In my species, we have a unique gift - mind along with a conscience that helps us decide what is wrong or right. Sorry to say, but you don't have either. Probably you never had them (which surprises me because you were born out of the body of some woman who belongs to my species) or you lost them while mutating into the rapist species. I guess you are finding it very satisfying or even somewhat glorifying to be made a separate species unto yourself. Tell me, are you happy? Is it the same happiness or joy you get while you are shoving yourself into the body of a helpless girl (yeah, that's what we call them in my species. Nope, not an object or thing but a "girl" who has a life and feelings and emotions... in short things you won't understand)? Do you feel any emotions?
Perhaps you are thinking - "What's the big deal in this? I have my d!@k and she has her thing, aren't they meant to go together? Ain't I doing the normal thing?" Well, let me try to get down to your level and try to help you understand (which I'm not sure you have the remote ability to do because you don't have a mind in the first place... but I'll still try because you were born out of one of my species). There's a thing called "consent", which of course you won't get now but try to think of it in terms of your thing. If someone were to ask you - "Can I cut off your d!@k?", you would obviously say no. That asking part is called "consent". If someone bypasses that question and just goes ahead with the cutting part then how would you feel? Probably intense pain but probably not violated because you don't know what violation means. When you force yourself into her, without her consent, she feels that pain along with the violation because human beings respect one another and every one of us has their own private space. Probably, I lost you in that previous sentence when I was talking about "respect" and "private space". Just assume that they are concepts more important than your d!@k that's hanging down there, probably in shame because even it did not expect to be used in this way.
Perhaps you are now thinking - "She was the one who wandered into that desolate area dressed in short clothes. I am a man and she provoked me, so it's her fault. Plus she needed to be taught a lesson." First of all, you are not a "man". So dare you try to call yourself one of my own. Second point, you are the one who got provoked and acted. You start by staring at her and then proceed to ogle her. You've already invaded her privacy at this stage. Still not satisfied, you decide it's up to your supreme authority to teach her a lesson. Why? Who gave you that authority? Every person in my species has a mind of his/her own, so keep your lesson to yourself. You are so pathetic that you get these urges and so weak that you cannot curb those urges. What makes you think that having a d!@k gives you the right to act in such retarded ways? Look the other way if you are feeling provoked. Or go home and use your hand. It's your problem and your fault.
You won't understand "rights" and "freedom" so I won't even go there. But please don't get married with one of my species. You are not fit to be a husband or a father. Those roles need responsible, matured and caring men, not a rapist like you. Of course your curriculum vitae would grow bigger if you land up in those roles. It will read something like this - Year XXX1: Raped a stranger; Year XXX2: Raped wife; Year XXX3: Raped daughter. It flummoxes me to even think that you came out of a woman's body. Poor woman who carried you around and nurtured you for 9 months, if not more.
I'm not sure where evolution is headed but surely your species won't survive for long. Not because of some law or cruel punishment (you are obviously not afraid of those because nothing has changed since the Nirbhaya case even after all the policy changes and death-penalty announcements). Your species won't last long because we men and women will educate ourselves and our kids. Not what to wear, but how to think and behave and listen to our conscience. We will empower them with sex-education and gender-awareness so that they don't mutate into your species. We will teach them how to empathize and care. We will treat them as we would like them to treat others. We will make a "good samaritan law" which would encourage men and women to come together against rapists like you without worrying about getting harassed. We will make sure that you are the one who is the social outcast, not your victim.
- A human
Monday, July 1, 2013
It is true that a place changes a lot in 5 years. I have seen Delhi (the place where I grew up) change every time I go back for a visit. This time when I visited India in the winters of 2012, I was still determined to come back to India for good after my PhD. So I was scouting for possible jobs related to my research area. I met many interesting people and became aware of interesting opportunities. However, academic opportunities aside, I was shocked by the cultural and moral degradation of the society. I am not a moral police (popular for thrashing couples enjoying quiet moments in the park... nope that's not me) or nor do I claim myself to be an epitome of morality. But I do respect human beings and give them the politeness they deserve. I wasn't expecting Delhi to be a chart-topper in this aspect but I wasn't expecting it to fall off the chart completely!
The day after I landed in Delhi, I had my visa interview at the US embassy for renewing my visa. I was helping my taxi park at a designated spot that had been identified by a security guard. As my taxi was positioning itself to occupy the spot, a white luxury sedan zipped in and parked in my spot, almost running over my feet. I knocked on the window to get the driver's attention. The driver, a "gentleman" in his early 30's dressed in formal attire (he looked like a CEO of some company), stepped out and started abusing me - "teri gadi hai yeh bh* ch*? haath kaise lagaya toone?" ("Is this your car
This brings me to my next experience. After wrapping up my business in Delhi, I went to visit my parents in Kolkata. While I was there, the Nirbhaya rape case happened in Delhi. Rapes had become a daily thing, especially in the north. There was no age based discrimination. 3 year olds were being raped every week in addition to the usual teenagers and young adults. The police and government blamed the females for provoking men to rape them (a 3 year girl provoking, really!?). Skimpy attire was blamed. Rapists roamed around freely, proud that they had taught the females a "lesson" for not adhering to the social norms of dressing "properly". There was a section of the society which blamed Nirbhaya and her male friend for daring to watch a movie together at night and then taking a bus back home. Their arguments gave a thumbs-up to the rapists. This is not a singular case, neither is the reaction. I used to work in a multinational software company in Gurgaon till 2007 and it discouraged females from staying late in office as it would get unsafe for them on their way back home. This atmosphere of panic and fear was further fanned by the stance taken by the various government officials and police. Whenever a female was raped, she was ridiculed and asked embarrassing questions by these authorities that tried to find fault in what the girl was wearing or doing. It's a different story that none of the accused were ever punished. After the Nirbhaya case, there were mass protests all across the nation. The government passed a law that increased the punishment of rapists. Everyone rejoiced but the rapists raped some more females and went about their daily business. Nothing changed. To come back to my point, in Delhi (and other northern bordering areas) any girl could be raped any moment, irrespective of their attire. Is this a healthy atmosphere to live in? You never know if your wife, sister, daughter, mother will return home safely or not. I still remember my horrified reaction when I heard about this incident. I was startled by the hypocrisy of the so called "cultured" society that prayed in front of female deities but still objectified and disrespected women. While the "system" was busy saving the rapists, it was also making sure parents of young girls were not spared. Take the Talwars' case in Noida. 5 years ago their daughter and domestic help were found murdered inside the house. The case has been dragging on till now and the parents have been jailed. When I read the detailed account of this incident and the injustice that had happened, only one thought ran through my mind - this could have been any parent! I started reconsidering my decision to return back. I certainly did not want to expose my wife and family to those uncivilized animals in the streets and the paranoia of disrespect. Was I overreacting because I had stayed in US for 5 years?
Now, there are still lots of good people around and I had many wonderful experiences - both of remote rural and urban India. But I am left wondering what to do about the vulnerability of human life and eternal fear in the minds of women on a daily basis. My friends who had returned back to India are still there. Another close friend recently returned after staying in the US for 10+ years. They are all doing fine (at least they claim that till now!). One of my friend said that as long as your daily schedule revolves around office and home, you should be fine. The events around you will not bother you that much. But again, is this a healthy environment to live in? It's not about the fascination of staying in US that is making me stop and rethink. There are things that are wrong in US as well but I can at least live my daily life without the perpetual fear. I have not closed the doors yet and hopefully the time to return to India will come soon. After all, where else in the world can you enjoy dhaba ka khana (roadside restaurants) while traveling on a highway or have a samosa-jalebi pitstop while walking on the road?
Monday, June 10, 2013
Friday, April 6, 2012
The last 5 minutes of the evening class are always the hardest. Trying to summarize a three hour class in those 5 minutes when our attention is already somewhere else, is really tough. As we wrapped up the discussions, I started packing my stuff. The laptop charger went in first and then the papers. Time up, laptop closed and put away in my bag, I rushed out of the building. It had been a long day and I was eager to get back home to my love. I was actually very hungry too. As I descended the flight of stairs into the Blue Line train station, I saw many students waiting to catch the train. The train rolled in after 5 impatient minutes and swallowed all the souls on the platform. The ride was boring as usual. Everyone around me was dead tired after their long day. Some were yawning while some were already asleep. I stood by the door, waiting for my stop - Jackson station. "This is Jackson. Please change here for the Red Line train." Obediently, I got off and tried to dodge my way through the wave of people walking towards the Red Line train station. There was oncoming traffic too - people who had got off the Red Line and were trying to catch the Blue Line. Everyone was in a rush. I was in a rush.
As I ascended the stairs to the Red Line station, a beautiful music filled my ears. It was some sort of a violin-like string instrument. My hurried steps slowed down and the music lifted me through the final flight of stairs. I saw an old man sitting just a couple of steps away from the stairs and playing a 2-string instrument. He had his cassette player churning out karaoke tunes one after the other and he was adding his beautiful composition effortlessly. I stared at him for 5 minutes. His left hand deftly plucked one string or the other, at particular points. Sometimes two fingers touched the same string at two different points. With his right hand, he effortlessly guided the bow over the strings. The smooth movements of his hands with sudden rapid motions in between to match the tempo of the music, made it look like his hands were dancing to the beautiful tune. It was hard to believe that I was not at a concert but instead standing in a train station waiting to catch my train. As I re-entered my real world again, I looked around and saw that other people were also watching him play. The platform was crowded but no one clapped when he was done playing one composition. The old man had his suitcase out in front of him, open and requesting alms. My hands instinctively reached out for my wallet and I pulled out a dollar. I dropped the dollar in his suitcase - my offering in return for the soul lifting music that he was playing. He bowed his head acknowledging the donation and continued to play. This time I clapped when he finished his composition. He looked at me and gave me a huge smile. I could see his shining eyes, squinting behind his glasses. The cassette player jumped to the next track and he focused his attention on the strings once more. I looked around. No one was really paying any attention to his music. He was just another street musician playing to himself. Most people had their headphones on and were oblivious to what was going on in the Jackson Red Line world. They obviously did not care much about a live human playing in front of them. I clapped again but I was the only one. There seemed to be just two people on the platform - that old man and me. It was strangely lonely.
And then I saw a young couple walk past me towards the old man. The girl stopped in front of him and reached inside her purse. She was looking for something particular. Her hands came out, tightly holding on to the pennies, quarters and cents. She let them fall inside his alms bag. A couple of more searches inside the purse brought out more quarters and pennies. These ended up in the alms bag as well. Her partner was smiling and watching her in amusement. Once again, the old man bowed to acknowledge the young girl and continued to play his music. He finished his composition and stopped. The young girl clapped and the old man gave her the big smile. She looked around to see why no one else was clapping. Her face questioned the existence of the crowd around her at that moment in time. A soft melody once again filled the air and she started dancing very nimbly. A couple of quick ballet steps and then her feet stopped. Her body was still swaying to the melody. As the beautiful composition finished, we clapped. She held her partner's arm and they stood there listening to the music with a smile on their face. I moved a step closer to the old man.
His instrument seemed really old. The head of his instrument was taped to the rest of the body with a scotch tape. The strings had rusted from areas where his fingers did not dance. Splinters were projecting out from the base and the instrument seemed to be as old as the old man himself. I did not know his name. I would just remember his soul-lifting music and his big smile. He made me forget my rush and connected me to my love there and then, on the train station. I felt like I was dancing to his music with my love. My train finally rolled in. I did not feel like leaving. I did not want this experience to become a memory. I wanted to continue enjoying the present. The doors opened and swallowed me along with the huge crowd once again. As the train pulled away from the station, the old man was left alone, for real. He continued playing and the music slowly became a memory, a beautiful memory that took me to a different world and back in just 5 melodious and peaceful minutes...